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Travel Heartbreak

Updated: Jul 18

Written last November 2018



I love traveling. 

I have traveled to Europe twice. 

And I've always been in love to love with Europe so I keep on coming back. Last month September 2018, I went for backpacking alone in Hungary-Czech-Poland-Slovakia and Austria. The trip was awesome and it was the best backpacking I have ever had in my life. Before that, I was talking to this awesome Romanian guy who I met from the dating app that happened to be situated in Budapest, Hungary for work as a civil engineer. 

We were always video-calling each other every day for a month until I flew to Budapest, Hungary. It was never my plan to fall in love during my travel besides, I booked my flight 8 months before my backpacking, and I chatted with this guy a month before I flew. It was never meant to be a love story. 

Come October, I landed in Budapest on the 1st. I have stayed in an apartment with some travel mates, this guy (Josh) I was talking to who I suppose to meet on the 10th of October  -  that's 2 days before I flew back to Malaysia. But along the way that we decided to meet on the first day. I was hesitant because it was not part of my itinerary but my friend whom I was texting to on that night from Australia forced me to meet this guy or else I will/might regret for the rest of my life. So even though I'm a bit hesitant, I was like " Okay let's do this!". 

So we agreed to meet that day at around 2 AM (I know its quite late as its the only time I can meet him). He picks me up from my apartment. It was Autumn at that time, so it was cold. That moment, I got out from the apartment he was there standing to wait for me, I hugged him immediately. I felt different, unexplainable, happy, fulfilled, something I've never felt before.. the warmth of his hug made me safe. Wrapping me with his warm arms tightly I felt him. 

That moment, I knew I never want to let go. The next day, on the 2nd of October - I didn't expect that we are going to meet again. I texted him, that I wanted to see him again and he felt the same.  I'd really appreciate that he drove 45 mins from his place to Budapest just to see me for 4 hrs at 2 AM again when he was even tired at work as he is a Civil Engineer; he's always on-site.  

The second meetup was amazing, we drove around Budapest at night, walked at the Budapest Parliamento - it was perfect. He was even sick at that time and I felt again that I want him and I wanted to see him again badly. But unfortunately, I need to continue my journey, I'm backpacking for 5 countries for 2 weeks and my next destination would be Slovakia-Austria-Poland-Czech. 


I traveled by bus as they just close to each other. I was traveling alone all the way from Slovakia to Poland- except when I have to join with travel mates I met at the hostels/apartments.

 

All throughout my backpacking, this Romanian guy named Josh(not his real name) never stopped talking/texting/calling, as usual, I tell him where I was so he never gets worried. 


We were happily talking to each other every day, he jokes around or teases me that's what he does. And I love it. I love how goofy he was he's just amazing.

A day before I flew to Prague, he texted he said " I have a crazy idea, I wanna go to Prague to see you and join you with your travel " so I replied "are you serious? you're kidding right" so, at that moment, I couldn't believe he wanted to join me with my journey and wanted to see me. I waited for him to come to Prague, it was amazing plus Prague is an amazing and beautiful one of the most romantic places I've ever been to.


I was very happy being with him I have never felt this happy for the longest time. Being with him I felt safe, calm, light like everything comes so easy.

He was kind.

He was patient, gentleman,

He took care of me.


We've been walking a lot because we were checking lookout tower, overlooking views so when I get tired he carries me like piggyback thing. He was soo sweet.

He massages my cramped legs,

he stops me for a while asks if I'm hungry or thirsty.

I was being treated like a baby, a princess-like how he calls me "crazy princess". Id liked that again.


I'm small and he's very tall so it's just easy for him to just carry me. This whole time was nothing but fun and romantic, I couldn't ask for more.

He is 26 and I'm 35 but I always feel he's the mature one and he's more the controlling one than me which I didn't mind. I didn't mind because I wanted to be controlled by him.


We headed back to Budapest via bus all the while when were traveling for 7 hrs I was still all over him because he loved being hugged and kissed and as a European guy, he doesn't care if he kisses me on public or something.


Surprisingly, all things that happened in Europe came to change when I headed back to Malaysia. 

I started missing him and I always tell him what I feel but he cannot say "I miss you too" instead, he sends kiss emoji - I guess it wasn't enough to fulfill my emotional needs. He said he cannot say those words because he is having a hard time expressing his feelings which at first I didn't understand because I wanna feel him like he is still with me even we are not together literally. 


As days come by, Him, being inexpressive is starting to get me affected and complains why can't he even say "I miss you". But I guess he's just like that. He says things by jokes just to mess-up with me or tease me. I guess that's how he expresses his love, I don't know. I just really miss him,  we still video call every day with no skips until I fell asleep as the timezone is 6 hrs apart. 

I can feel he likes me too I'm just demanding too much for him to express his feelings or to open up. And that demand became a complaint that leads to an everyday fight.

I feel like I'm always picking a fight with him even though it wasn't really intentional. 


At times, he wanted to change the topic to get rid of the subject but as a girl- being emotional I trigger him again. But I always say sorry after. He said "don't make me say things I couldn't say because I will never" I don't know what that means. All I know is, I have fallen in love with him so much and got so attached that I started to overthink things, it kills me.


Last week we had a huge fight about me picking a fight on him again, he got stressed out.

He broke up me.

I know he still cares for me but I don't understand why he just easily let go like that.

I have been blaming my self for 5 days

Crying non-stop.

I was losing my self,

I kept praying that one day, he will change his mind but what he said his decision is FINAL and he will never change his mind.

He said "I'm breaking up with you because it's better for you, I'm not good for you. I will always make you cry every day and it pains me when seeing you cry".

I shut down.  

My heart .....died

I know from my heart he still cares for me because I felt it - I still feel it.


My question is, should I fight for him? Because 90% of me saying I should. 10% of me saying I have to stop that if he truly cares or loves me he would have given me a chance.

Its been 5 days and I'm getting crazy. I cannot eat, sleep, cannot focus on myself and work, I cannot do things because I have been thinking of him every day and every second.  My heart is pounding and breaking.

I'm about to lose my self.

I know this is just a challenge because we are apart so I wanted to go to Europe again and I don't care if I will be broke or lose all my money after.

I just wanted to talk to him in person. Do you guys, think this is a good idea? please help me...

Hurt, Broken Girl

Responses:

Shelbyville wrote: Ivy, It sounds like you have fallen hard for this guy and had some amazing memories in Europe with him. It's really really difficult when someone you love chooses to break up with you. I have the same experience myself not long ago. It's torture in many ways, wanting to see them, speak to them, hold them. However, he has made his decision. Yes, he may care for you, but not enough to get over his difficulties in expressing himself. It's impossible to see it right now, but maybe he did do the right thing for you. If he's not able to sustain a long-distance relationship, then it would cause more heartbreak down the line. If you return to see him, you may be able to get things back on track....but until when? When you leave again will the same issues not arise again? However, despite all the advice that you can get from people, you have to do what's right for you. Believe me, Im missing my ex like crazy these days, so I know how difficult it is. But I just try and tell myself, that my ex has made his decision, I can't control that and I have to accept it. I hope you feel okay soon whatever you plan to do and enjoy your travels. 

Ben wrote: It sounds like it was intense. The problem with these intense travel ones is that they have to end in one sense, physically and "in reality", but in others, they continue. You still feel really intensely about him because you fell for him. For him maybe it was the same maybe it was different. Its where he lives after all, so it is not so amazing as being part of travel experience. When you got back this whole part of your life was packaged up and left as a memory. For him, he was living his life and happened to meet you a little, so to him, you are not as distant. That is probably why he was not so expressive or feeling so in need of you. For you, you had this amazing trip, but it's over now. You also met him and fear that he will disappear and fade as the memory of the trip does. That doesn't have to happen. But, calm yourself as best you can. Let things settle a little bit. I'm reading it and seeing that he probably got a little overwhelmed with the intensity of your feelings. Give him space. If he truly likes you, he'll let you talk to him again. But don't do it now. Breathe, relax, talk to friends, do whatever you can to rebalance yourself. You got carried away is all. You want him a lot but you had to come home and thought maybe if he talked more you'd feel better. But I think you like him a lot so that no matter how much he talked with you or whatever he told you, you would still be wanting more from him. He could probably sense this and had to back off. If he ignores you after a few days/however long you take as a breather, then it wasn't meant to be. But, relax. You had an intense, but very short, experience and its time to process. You are the one crying and that is why he thinks its better to not talk because he thinks he's making you upset. That's a legitimate reason! So, don't be upset! Easier said than done but its the real solution. It's not because you're a girl either, its because you had a big emotional experience with him. Use this space to calm yourself, relax. Try to focus back on your life. When you feel a bit better, talk to him again, that is what will help you feel better. If he really really does care you'll be able to reconnect. If you are 90% wanting to fight for him again, don't hurt yourself by not doing it. Sometimes these travel romances go places, sometimes not, remember that. It might help you feel less intensely. 

Anita wrote: Dear Ivy: I think it will be a mistake if you travel to Europe when you are broke for the purpose of talking to him in person, trying to change his mind. The magic of getting together with him, a lot of it was the magic of your travel in Europe, and him carrying you there when you were tired, and taking care of you in those special circumstances. The relationship did not survive the after-trip circumstances. I don't think you can re-create the magic that was. I think this magic was about travel and it did not survive the after-travel. I hope you recover from the emotional attachment you formed and are able perhaps to enter a relationship where you live, in Malaysia?

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ABOUT ME

A Filipina, working in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia; who works in a 9 hr corporate IT job. So, I don't travel for work. I can only travel when I have available holidays. I am a single mom, I have a wonderful son who doesn't live with me but with my mom in the Philippines.

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