Updated: Jul 18, 2020
After a while of falling in and out of love, I’ve accepted that relationships come and go.
I’ve learned to make peace with it and not to take it too hard when things don’t go my way. I’ve learned to adjust my expectations and not take any rejection or failure of a relationship as anything personal.
I still believe in love and I always will, but it has become less magical and I’ve become more realistic about it.
That’s why when another relationship bites the dust or when the boy that I thought was different turned out to be the same, honestly, I am not that disappointed.
Because my mind is always overthinking and conjuring things that haven’t happened yet. My heart is convincing me not to be too hopeful, least I end up with nothing.
See, before I’m even with a guy, I am thinking of the aftermath of losing him. Before falling in love, I am bracing myself for heartbreak. For I see the inevitability of goodbye in every hello. I fear getting hurt at the possibility of love.
Maybe I’m no longer the starry-eyed teenager who followed her heart blindly and passionately wanted more than anything to love and be loved. Maybe I no longer see the point of giving my heart to people who do not hesitate to shred it to pieces.
Maybe I have become tired of putting myself on the line way too many times for people who is unwilling to meet me halfway. Maybe I’m older and wiser now, and I realize romantic love is simply not the most important thing in my life anymore.
I’d rather focus all my effort and time into something more tangible, like my work that gives me the same return as what I put in.
I’d rather invest in myself and build myself up instead of pinning all my hope onto another.
I’d rather spend time with the important people in my life than fret over those whose presence is fleeting.
Maybe I want something more stable and real instead of just chemistry and physical attraction that fizzles out instantly. Maybe I want a rational kind of love that makes sense, instead of one that makes my mind spin out of control and pushes me to do things that I later regret.
Maybe I no longer find it romantic to chase after love and fight to the bitter end for a happy ending that only exists in my imagination. Maybe I’d rather live my life on my own terms instead of waiting for someone to changes his mind about me. Maybe I do not want to waste my time and effort on people who are not worthy of me.
Maybe I want something more permanent, a future with sunshine and white picket fence. I want to be someone’s first choice. I want the natural kind of love that I do not have to work so hard for.